Clouds still hang around here

Everything is so foggy, what time is it. Many months have past, couple years, some days well to be exact.. 844. These empty halls... I've neglected to fill them they scream at me, reminding me how cold they are, a presence so strong they linger with pain a pain I've been meaning to let go of. I wonder if it just runs in my blood, a heavy existence Ill forever be burdened with.. or its because I feel everything so deep. Tally O dear Bleeders For I have returned with so much that it has occurred to me that I still have a lot of searching to do..

Longtime fairlady Hello Bleeders

Here I am staring at all these cords, tangled up, I see a end but where to start. As long as I can remember I always resorted back to this. I find there is peace but some sort of sadness attached to it, and it then sparked something inside that I couldn't deny. There is judgement, fear then silence that comes with feeling so much and with no where to turn I will leave it here..and for reason maybe find light or even a darkness, darker then ever. There will be sacrifices made and emptiness that will fill the room. Long nights and cold evenings that will slowly rise, promise it will be ok. One day it will come out and maybe we will notice what was really happening. Ill find it cause even in this time no one really knows where they are going, Im one of those people or just someone with a lot on there mind what ever it is, Im ready to be very open and share these lingering thoughts -solongfairlady Tally O dear Bleeders

Walk wait stay

Ill let the tears fall down my face, one more time. Go to bed cold and alone wake up and start again, with little sleep I had because the clouds rolled in and flooded my mind with questions I have no answers for. Im sorry for everything thats happened and all the things ive said, Im not sure how to get over this! Patience and a little time and we will get out of this, I promise. Shooting stars across the cold dark sky, in my midnight get away and wished for giddy things and no more lies. Wipe my tears again and head back to bed that once held warmth and comfort, I sit up on the edge walk over and put on your sweatshirt the one with the cigarette burn from the night we had to much wine, and the cologne that swept me off my feet.. Im sorry, ill be fine. Somewhere in the back of my mind I held a little hope, It was all the little things that were done, and everything we been through keeps me waiting, but for how much longer..? The battle continues, the list of sacrafices get longer, million more tears to come. Tally O dear bleader

Home sweet.... Home ?

Days off, Therefor I will put on my gear, grab my sword and head into this battle and hope I survive and in the end I find my reward, even a pat on the back I'm fine with. I'm sick with apprehension, I happy and healthy living and dieing so sick tired of trying. What more can we do, both rich and poor wondering what we are living for? 

Tally-oh dear beans 

Remember to remember

Smell the roses, look up and just breathe for one second, and remember where you are.. The past few months and a year had been heck, I almost forgot what It was like to really just enjoy the wind in your hair and sun kissing your skin, the snow fall on your face. Its the little things that are the most enjoyable, I forgot about it and the whole time I've been searching high and low for answers and all along it... was right beneath my feet. How could I forget my roots and where I come from, get lost in the negativity of this cruel world we created. Im learning to become more content with my life even if things aren't the greatest right now, a simple walk and the silence is all I need to continue on in my life and just live. For the rest of the year, Ill learn to accept everything that happens and know that there's nothing I can do about it but move on and remember where I am! Be 100% thankful and greatful im waking up every morning with those who mean the world to me and oxygen in my lungs, roof over our head, food in the fridge and clothes on our bodies. Change of thought change of life.



Is there a way out of this mess ?

Is there a way out, Is it possible to be clinically attached to being sad ? Its been a while

since my last post but I'm still trying to find answers into where it all started and why. I feel as if I'm pushing away the people I love and holding onto the one thing that is destroying me the most. Depression it continues to linger, but my Trauma therapist believes I'm not as depressed, as I think I am. Weather to believe that's right and that maybe I am just making it up as I go, I know one thing for sure and its that I cant seem to stop! As hard as I try to stay positive and fight the fear, that I try to keep myself away from.. is not working. I just recently started seeing my Therapist again, Ive been seeing her since I was about 15 She's helped me reach, content! The one place, I never thought existed. I was living my life one day at a time enjoying the little things, going out, without any hesitation and just breathing! Maybe I shouldn't be blaming anyone in the end but my feelings and the strength that depression has over me. When I started going through those hard times in life, I didn't notice that I started going backwards to the world I thought I forgot.. The cold, and foggy place in my mind. I finally reached the breaking point causing some bad and unbearable anxiety. I emailed her knowing that she's the only one that can help me get through it, I know that's the first step, in returning back to that content state in my life.Thank you for reading, I find that when I cant get rid of whats on my mind and even when I have that support to talk about it, It doesn't help any. I'm praying for some light in my darkest days, and when I can finally breath again. 

Stuck in the mud

Ever been in a position where you feel like, no matter what you do you cant change the situation or find a solution to it? Lately ive been running in circles for the past 5 months, with the relationship im in and usually, We can sort out the problem and move on, but this one is bigger then both of us. I feel like Im the only one trying to break through.. through this web of constant dissapointment? I know we all have problems, and as much as wish we could, we cant change another person. When the big picture starts to fall apart we'd hope that, it would be a wake up call, to find a way to keep it together. In this case its not happening, Ive put hard work, dedication and sweat into believing we can get through this.. together! When this one person keeps repeating the same mistake, you become restless and start to think, maybe this isnt the best thing for the future. After 4 years you hope that it wouldnt come to this, but Im already at the edge wondering if I should, let go and find happiness else where? Or keep holding onto the current situation thats getting us no where? Im broken and cant keep it together..