Is there a way out of this mess ?

Is there a way out, Is it possible to be clinically attached to being sad ? Its been a while

since my last post but I'm still trying to find answers into where it all started and why. I feel as if I'm pushing away the people I love and holding onto the one thing that is destroying me the most. Depression it continues to linger, but my Trauma therapist believes I'm not as depressed, as I think I am. Weather to believe that's right and that maybe I am just making it up as I go, I know one thing for sure and its that I cant seem to stop! As hard as I try to stay positive and fight the fear, that I try to keep myself away from.. is not working. I just recently started seeing my Therapist again, Ive been seeing her since I was about 15 She's helped me reach, content! The one place, I never thought existed. I was living my life one day at a time enjoying the little things, going out, without any hesitation and just breathing! Maybe I shouldn't be blaming anyone in the end but my feelings and the strength that depression has over me. When I started going through those hard times in life, I didn't notice that I started going backwards to the world I thought I forgot.. The cold, and foggy place in my mind. I finally reached the breaking point causing some bad and unbearable anxiety. I emailed her knowing that she's the only one that can help me get through it, I know that's the first step, in returning back to that content state in my life.Thank you for reading, I find that when I cant get rid of whats on my mind and even when I have that support to talk about it, It doesn't help any. I'm praying for some light in my darkest days, and when I can finally breath again. 

Stuck in the mud

Ever been in a position where you feel like, no matter what you do you cant change the situation or find a solution to it? Lately ive been running in circles for the past 5 months, with the relationship im in and usually, We can sort out the problem and move on, but this one is bigger then both of us. I feel like Im the only one trying to break through.. through this web of constant dissapointment? I know we all have problems, and as much as wish we could, we cant change another person. When the big picture starts to fall apart we'd hope that, it would be a wake up call, to find a way to keep it together. In this case its not happening, Ive put hard work, dedication and sweat into believing we can get through this.. together! When this one person keeps repeating the same mistake, you become restless and start to think, maybe this isnt the best thing for the future. After 4 years you hope that it wouldnt come to this, but Im already at the edge wondering if I should, let go and find happiness else where? Or keep holding onto the current situation thats getting us no where? Im broken and cant keep it together..

A week, not so weak anymore!

Its been a week since my last post, and I still have yet to feel completely comfortable sharing everything. Im back in prison and its already saturday, the sun is beating hot, my body is aching with happiness and Soon ill be back at home with the two beans who complete my life.. Change is good and it hurts but its really worth it, and this time im being hundred percent dedicated. Im a little lost for words right now, and usually it all comes to me as I go. Keep holding onto hope for the future.. Sums up my day!

Ready set go Replaaay.

Ready, Set, GO! Being new to this blogging thing.. Well I suck at it! I know because my english teacher, often told me how I always went off topic, when I was writing a story or a poem, a sonnet.. No matter what I put together never had a beginning or it never ended. My sentences dragged on and in the end it left you confused.. like this here another pointless page someone will never read. Im not looking for some insight or comments to the answer of these questions im asking, cause most of the answers I already know, lies within me.. In time that will come along and patience is all I need. I figured with blogging instead of journal entries made me think that what I lost will come back through the online world. See im use to shutting myself out from this world or society in general and keeping quiet, enjoying getting lost in my mind. Does that make me crazy? Cause I enjoy the " emptiness " way to much! and it caused me to forget who I was, leaving me in a rut that I cant seem to get out of. Hoping by portraying this new hobby will help me open my mind to more endless possibilities, finding a new me that I never knew existed. Anways thats my post for tonight, Im working nights and Im 359km away from home and I needed a way to keep myself a little sane. So if your done reading this or read it..Thank you.

Blabber

Here I am writing my first blog. I for the longest time, preferred writing in a journal it was revealing but after so many pages, there I was..standing blank as can be, not knowing what to do with all of it. Usually in the end, I turn to the lighter and burn it and afterwards I would feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. So I decided I would try blogging and that maybe, I'd have more answers to my monotonous letters to myself. I guess, that's the whole point writing in a journal was for? To free yourself from going over those screaming thoughts in the middle of the night and to wake up with a fresh start, too a new day. Going in opened minded, so you can fill yet another page, of what to you..might be art or to another just mindless words put together that sounded right at the time. I figure somewhere out there, is another bean thinking the same thing..